Major Grump.

I hate summer. There, I said it. I suppose I could qualify and say this particular summer in this particular city is the object of my ire but why bother.

Although I'm sure spring was in there somewhere, it feels as though we went from this nightmare to its current incarnation, a neverending stretch of sweltering 90 degree plus weather, the days only defined by whether or not the humidity is also stifling and whether or not a severe, soaking thunderstorm is in the forecast.

I'm still trying to figure out the definition of this "Summer Fun" people gab on about. Sweating at dawn, sucking down Freon, literally unable to go outside, what the hell is so fun about this crap? Maybe if I was a Main Line housewife, wiling away the heat lounging by the pool under an umbrella in linen and flip-flops, sipping lemonade and browsing the latest Lilly Pulitzer catalog (actually, scratch that last one as that shit's nasty) things wouldn't seem so bad, but for the rest of us that don't have a porch, much less a pool, and, anyway, have to schlep downtown everyday by the power of our own two feet where it's even hotter, stinkier and more miserable than the 'burbs, I really don't see the yearly appeal.

Check the weather report for Ardmore, PA anytime, any day and all you'll see is complete misery as far as a squinting, sunburned eye can see. If I didn't know I'm escaping this pulsing inferno in - what's that I see, 116 days? - I'd have to seriously question my overall mental stability to stay in this burnt-to-a-crisp hellhole. Don't all these millions of people realize it doesn't have to be this way? That there can be life without crushing humidity, constant air conditioning, flash floods and excessive heat warnings every time you turn around? On second thought, never mind. Let them continue to think we all still deck ourselves out in grunge flannel, hug trees, eat tempeh and live in log cabins singing Kumbaya to the fertility goddesses. That is rains a lot out there. Oh, and that "you'se all don't have decent pizza and hoagies." Yes, heaven forbid one can't find gray meat, processed cheese product and sodium on a bun. At least we don't have this shade of shit summer weather.