Anti-Dentite

Never anyone's favorite activity, I just returned from the dentist for the repair of a chipped filling. The tooth was more sensitive than originally thought so the area needed to be numbed, an event which in the past has sent me into a tailspin of trepidation and fear.

For my entire adult life, I have been terrified of the dentist. Seriously petrified. Even with a handful of Valium, the nitrous oxide cranked, earphones blaring and clutching a teddy bear (funny but true, supplied by the dentist), I would still be wide-eyed and sobbing. My fear has centered around what I'm convinced is a 14-gauge hose of a needle they use to administer the Novacaine. Unfortunately, I've got a mouthful of crowns and root canals so have been up close and personal with the instruments of torture on a number of occasions.

So when I went for my appointment today, I kept looking for my usual fearful reaction. In the waiting room, I expected my pulse to quicken and my palms to sweat. In the treatment chair with the syringe resting on my lips I waited for my nerves to unravel and leave me running for the door. And yet nothing happened. Honestly, I just didn't care what was going on in there. I wasn't scared or nervous; in fact, it was just nice to sit there doing nothing, listening to the dentist and dental assistant talk about their plans for the long weekend.

Why such a significant change? For me it is a concrete example of getting older; not in terms of age but in depth of experience. Obviously at 33 I'm not a wizened old owl, but I do feel the weight of life much heavier than I did four years ago when I last encountered the syringe. I think the experiences I've had in the time since have thickened my skin and dug me a deeper well from which to draw. If I look closely, I can see that this increased strength of mind comes not from the abundant good times but from rawer experiences of pain, disappointment and doubt. Along the way I lost some of the gauze of naivete and in its place grew a more opaque armor to guard against life and its challenges.

Being so surprised by my fortitude, I'm not sure yet what to make of it. Sad I suppose, resigned to it, maybe a little proud and scared. I wish I could give back some of the experiences that contributed to this shield but of course I can't. Whether I like it or not, they are just as much a part of me as the positive memories and experiences I've collected.

I just had a thought - maybe this thicker shell not only helps me to deal with challenges that comes along, but at the same time helps to trap inside the warmth and glow of all the good stuff too. I like that! 

Now time to put a stop to all this profundity, wipe the drool off my chin and enjoy some of Gus' homemade chili and cornbread. Yum!